Jetsethottie

Speeding up, flying, spinning mad. Tired, exhausted, turning into a dizzying frenzy. Going from down to so high you can't see the planet below. How does one control this? How does one make the dizzying whirring slow or stop? How does one control it? It's a madness I wish I understood.

Life has never been kind. Life started with absolute agony. Agony and pain so intense that it changed my entire being for the rest of my life. Then it ravaged my growing years. Along with growing pains, and stretching skin, came sexual abuse from almost all directions. Trust no one. Life taught me well. Emotional, physical, and more sexual abuse as I got older. It didn't get much better when I left the school system. Enough emotional abuse and betrayal to last multiple lifetimes. Then came the work industry. The abuse changed but it continued. Physical labor turned to near paralyzing pain. Enough emotional trauma to make me think I was w

1 am. Staring at the wall, unblinking. Headphones on to make sure nobody else has to listen to your music. The song, screaming, desolation, matching the chaos inside. Song repeating in your ears as a futile attempt to give your brain something to focus on. Something other than them. Hands shake as you try to yet again forget the feeling of their disgusting hands on you. Eyes try to water, trying to shed some of the emotional pain as tears, but fail. Their face in perfect focus in your mind after years of seeing it as a mere shadow in the darkness. Knowing they still exist, still live....Slight twitching, attempting to hold back the madness st

The crisp taste of tea. Over the lower lip, and over the tongue where the sweetness of it will be appreciated.But that seems to be the only thing that I can find to be sweet. In this moment everything but music and tea is empty. Nothing else seems willing to bring joy, as if everything were merely too lazy to make the effort to make a positive impact on mind, and mood. A creative mind lay reeling with stories and possibilities if only something could bridge the gap and try. But nothing is trying. Not people, not animals, not the strings of fate, nothing. Nothing but tea and music. And so, my cup is half full with tea and draining. This room

What is it? I know what it is to me. Anxiety and depression are both always there. It doesn't matter if you've had a great day or if you just feel average. It doesn't matter if you just had a great food and enjoy the feeling of a satisfying meal in your full stomach. Nothing matters to anxiety or depression. You could be relaxing in your room during a peaceful moment and then the floor creaks outside your door. Then anxiety is there at the forefront of your mind telling you that you should've installed a lock cuz you're dead now. There's no way that it's just an old floorboard creaking. Nah, You're definitely going to be fighting for your

I feel like someone needs me and I don't know where or why.I feel that I should drop everyone, everything here and just start running.But I don't know where to go or who needs me.I feel helpless here, typing this out as fast as I can.I just hope that through some random act that they find it.I hope they find it and send me a message or something.The hopelessness makes me want to run outside, look to the sky, and fall to my knees screaming, just hoping that somehow they'll hear me.I want to do something, I need to do something, but I don't know what.The only result online when I tried to research this, was telepathy.That almost makes it worse.

I did it again today. I had to do it again today. I tried to push back the rolling tide of sorrow and self hatred in my head. But I failed. So I went home early again. If I do this 5 more times, I'm out of a job. I'll lose my apartment. I'll lose most of my belongings. I won't have a place to stay. I don't have any ways to hold my depression and anxiety in check. Can't afford help. So I sit here and feel the tears begin to stream down my face yet again. I fight this war alone. This war that, day by day, I am steadily losing. There is no help for those who can't afford it. That knowledge has slowly been raining on my flames of ho

Alright. I'm pretty sure nobody will ever read this. It's on the internet but these things have a way of hiding. So here, and only here, I'm going to bring it. My throat is closing. My head is starting to ache. My chest feels as though it's collapsing in on itself. The words "I'm trapped" echo though my mind again and again. The pain increases, my vision starts to darken but I'm suddenly aware of everything. My smile widens the more the need to scream surfaces. The tears are begging to be let free and my head starts to pound. I feel like I'm going to be ripped in half but my smile just gets bigger until my cheeks whine against the strain. The